Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize