I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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