Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
