Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
