Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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