i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
