Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
