He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
