The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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