I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
