wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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