I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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