I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
