I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
