There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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