She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
