do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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