I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
