I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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