I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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