i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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