so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
