I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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