So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
