i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
