hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
