Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize