lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
