i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
