i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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