I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
