I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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