Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
