he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
