You don't have asthma, your pregnant
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
