Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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