All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
