his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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