Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
