i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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