All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
