My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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