If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I deserve this hangover.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
