I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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