I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
