All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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