Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
