u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
apparently the secret to your success is patron
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
