i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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