He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
