I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
