shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
