Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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