not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
