i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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