So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
whose parrot is this?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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