I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
