You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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