I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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