Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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