She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
