I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
